Reasons Why Kosin Sucks

1. He actually thinks The Power Rangers are better than Voltron.

2. He's an Eagles fan.

3. He has an Eagles tattoo.

4. He's a Mets fan.

5. He has some weird obsession with the number 311.

6. He frequently torpedoes shows and then blames innocent directors.

7. His inability to find time in his shows for lottery.

8. He is a Furry. [x] verification needed

9. He just used us and our facilities to train to become a producer and then left.

10. He used us to win some MTV contest and then didn't bring us anything back from Vegas.

11. He doesn't seem to appreciate the genius of Bret Michaels.

12. Refers to himself as "Goodship Kosin".

13. He likes to 2-Box out of weather.

14. That stupid-itchy-tattoo-slappy thing he does.

15. He works stories about Super Mario Bros. into his newscasts.

16. He put J as #1 on his list of people he won't miss.

17. Habitually screws up graphics and refuses to own up.

18. He demanded his own farewell cake and tried to tell the baker how to make it.

19. Poor carpenter.

20. He kicks puppies when no one's looking. [x] verification needed

21. Wets his pants and then tries to blames his shoes.

22. He's too sassy for a man.

23. Loves to eat Pop-Tarts, but rarely shares.

24. Doesn't eat shrimp because he doesn't like the texture.

25. He hates LOST.

26. His taste in music is the only thing that sucks almost as much as he does.

27. He doesn't have time to read books (yeah, like his life is that busy).

28. He owns stock in BP that he bought AFTER the rig explosion. [x] verification needed

29. He hates pelicans. [x] verification needed

30. Threatens to put anchors on his list of people he's not going to miss.

31. He sucks because he single-handedly destroyed MTV's credibilty as a news source (Kurt Loder is in the corner weeping).

32. He turned traitor and has left behind the people and station that made him who he is.

33. Teaches racist jokes to kindergarten students. [x] verification needed

34. Has High School Musical and Tiffany songs on his iPod.

35. His irrational dislike of Linsey Davis.

36. Keeps creepy, old family photos on his desk.

37. No grown man should have that many dolls and toys on his desk.

38. He has only one style of dress: polo shirt and shorts.

39. He drives a short bus.

40. He sucks so much because this website devoted to his suckiness will now replace the 311 message boards as his favorite website.

41. He's the only "Follower" of the blog dedicated to his suckiness.

*Editor's Note: This list is far from finished, I am sure that as time goes by, we will come up with MANY more reasons why Kosin sucks. If he continues on the way he has been going, this list will never be finished.

Musical Tribute

Good Riddance Dave Kosin
You're Dead To Us Now

Lyrics and Performance by Bryan Daniel Peach





Lyrics

Dave Kosin's leaving and he's such a stupid jerk.
He was the only thing I liked about my work.
But he'll be gone soon, and that "like" has turned to "hate" --
The feeling I get when I'm watching "Jon and Kate."

You're moving now to Baltimore,
So have an awesome life.
I hope that you get murdered with a knife.

Head out the door, Dave Kosin, go and get a clue.
Oh! Here's a list of 10 Things I Hate About You:
Your face, your hair, your height, weight, ears and eyes and shoes,
Your '90s music and your terrible tattoos.

Dave Kosin, you are dead to us.
At least you're dead to me.
I hope you die while watching MTV.

Honestly, I'll miss you,
And I'm sad to see you go,
You stupid, ugly money-chasing ho.

Greasy, Naked Hoff With Puppies Thinks It Sucks You're Leaving

Dave Kosin Sucks Because He Is A Mets Fan

By Amiekay Richcrick

Technical reasons aside*, the Mets suck for a variety of reasons obvious to even the most casual sports watcher. In fact, I would say that any one who is a Mets fan should probably just stop watching baseball. The Mets are only out to crush your dreams. At least when you're an Orioles fan or a Pirates fan, you know exactly what you're getting yourself into: a season full of disappointment. You've come to expect it, but you root for the home team anyway, because you enjoy the game. But Mets fans? Regardless of the evidence staked against them, Mets fans hope their mediocre team will actually win something someday. But every season without fail, the Mets crush this naive hope with a season of ridiculous blunders and painful errors.

See these highlights from a recent Mets game against the Dodgers as an example:


Kosin doesn't seem to have any ties to New York, so the fact that he roots for a New York team is bizarre and irrational itself. Why he just doesn't root for the Yankees** like every other fake-New Yorker in this country is beyond me.

Therefore, I can only assume Kosin roots for the Mets because he sucks.

To recap: Dave Kosin, a fan as faithful as Mr. Met himself, comes back every year, praying the Mets actually remember they aren't playing in Little League. And every year, Kosin cries like a little baby as he watches his rival team, the Phillies, consistently crush the Mets and own the NL East.

One may assume Kosin merely likes sports teams that pretend to be good but are actually awful, seeing as he is also a Eagles fan. However, I would argue this simply makes the point of him sucking more valid.



*Technical Reasons the Mets suck: Their player development system is a mess. Since 1985, only five players the Mets signed and developed have made it to the All-Star team. Five. And although they are currently third in the NL East standings***, we can expect them to choke in a matter of months, as their recently signed free agent players enter onto the disable list.

**I do not encourage anyone to root for the Yankees. They symbolize everything that is wrong with baseball in this country, but at least they win. This is why fake New Yorkers like them. However, Kosin sucks and likes pain, so this is why he roots for the Mets.

***This post was written on 6/10/10.

Testimonials

"Kosin sucks mostly because he prefers travelling the country following that lame 3-1-1 group and being on MTV instead of remaining in Harrisburg doing what he should be doing -- amusing me. He also sucks because when he reads this he'll probably think about editing it." A.R., Harrisburg, PA

"I used to think Dave Kosin sucked mostly just because he had bad taste in music, sports and, well... he hates Lost. And any one who hates Lost is an idiot, in my book. He could also be a jerk sometimes. Did I tell you he demoted me to intern just so I could help him get a gig with MTV? (Yeah, that actually happened, and no. I'm not exaggerating.) But nothing compares to this. Now, now, he is leaving me to deal with our neurotic friend... ALONE. Yep. Even in his absence, Dave Kosin has found a way to screw me. He sucks and I hate him." - A.R. York, PA

"Kosin sucks because he likes to torpedo his shows, just so he can blame me. Even if I'm not working on his show. I could be at home, in a different state or country, and he would still blame me for torpedoing his show. He'll probably find a way to write me up at his new station for his screw-ups. I think he's jealous of my greatness." J.V.M., Wormlesyburg, PA

"I, for one was not as repulsed by Dave Kosten or whatever the hell his name was, as most other people were in the workplace. Yes, he would purposely flatulate in the face of co-workers as he passed by their desks. Yes, he would ask me to do live shots for that piece of shit some people refer to as the 7 o'clock news. Yes, he rooted for a New York team. But let's face it, we had bigger a-holes than him here." A.G., Navy Blue Balls, PA

Dave and his Pathetic Adoration of the Power Rangers

By J.V. Murphy

One of the best known reasons that Dave Kosin sucks is his misguided belief that The Power Rangers are better than Voltron. That's just absurd. Especially considering the fact that the Power Rangers are just a pathetic, poorly written, poorly acted rip-off of Voltron.
Case in point:


I feel genuinely sorry for people like Dave, people who grew up watching the crap that is The Power Rangers. They are all in for a rude awakening when they finally realize that Voltron is a far superior show in all ways. Maybe, just maybe, when Dave admits that he'll suck a little less...nah, that'll never happen, he'll always suck.